What the thock is up with the weather?

Do you remember when British summers were about lukewarm picnics in the drizzle, your nan's tea set, and, at worst, a sunburn that vaguely resembled the RGB glow of a corsair keyboard on its way out?

Not anymore.

It's July 2025, and the UK is less like a cool breeze and more like Superman typing on a keyboard at light speed: blisteringly, infuriatingly hot, space bar sticking to your thumb because it’s half-melted.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t “just summer.” The spring of 2025 was the warmest and sunniest in UK history. June, supposedly the land of rain-misted cricket matches and damp barbecue buns, became the hottest one ever recorded for England. And now, as your fans whir desperately (mechanical, not adoring, sadly), the UK is enduring its third heatwave before we’re even halfway through July.

In the sweltering zones of the West Country and Midlands, temperatures have surged well beyond the high twenties, sometimes even brushing an infuriating 33°C. Faversham in Kent? Try 35.8°C. And if you think that’s “normal” just because it didn’t breach the all-time 40°C hysteria of 2022, you must be the kind of person who’s satisfied with a mushy membrane keyboard. Get a grip...

It’s so hot that the plastic on my monitor is drooping, and don’t even start about my artisanal resin escape key... it’s become a puddle. Yes, it’s “usable,” like a keyboard with a missing ‘E’ is usable: theoretically, but only if you like pain and suffering.

Let’s talk about the why, because this isn’t a random glitch. Human-driven climate change is hacking the atmosphere and, brace yourself for the shocker, making this country hotter and stormier each year. Heatwaves aren’t the rare events you used to celebrate for fun; they’re now the default setting. Rain? It comes in biblical bursts that make you wish your life was waterproof.

Floods routinely threaten millions of homes, with millions of properties already at risk; and that figure is climbing. Britain’s infrastructure is about as ready for this heat as a 2000s office Dell keyboard is for your 2000W gaming rig. Rail tracks buckle, roads melt, and the only thing getting “greener” is the moss growing in between my keyboards switches, thanks to the tropical humidity.

Our wildlife? As scrambled as your keymap after a bad firmware update. Declining rapidly. Iconic species are trying to migrate, but it’s hard to outrun climate change when you’re a puffin or, let’s be honest, a Brit with an Oyster card.

Enough tip-tapping around the issue. Here’s what the UK needs to do, and let’s be clear, this isn’t like slapping on new keycaps and calling your shitty pre-built a custom keyboard...

• Ditch fossil fuels. Stop acting like coal is an aesthetic. We need the smooth, quiet efficiency of renewables. Solar, wind, hydro these are the energy future.
• Insulate everything. Your house is leaking cool air like RGB lighting. BADLY. Retrofit homes, make them more energy efficient, and stop pretending a cracked window is good ventilation.
• Stop the water waste. Just like you wouldn’t douse your electronics in coffee, don’t waste water. Reduce usage and future-proof our supply.
• Restore nature. That desk plant isn’t just for aesthetics; it absorbs CO2. Scale up the effort nationwide.
• Get serious about transport. Ban polluting cars where practical and boost public transport, because nobody, not even 40's enjoyers, likes a commute where you emerge sweatier than your nan's undergarments.

But most of all: stop pretending this is fine. Half the country acts like it’s still 1995, and the loudest politicians natter on like they've never had a cold day in their lives.

If we keep carrying on like this, “hot keys” will refer not to your shortcut finesse but to the literal, molten disaster on your desk. It’s time to build smarter, cooler keyboards; and a smarter, cooler country. Otherwise, the only thing left clacking will be the sound of our patience, breaking like another storm in the heart of a British "summer".